Eric Clapton Will Not Play At Concerts That Require Fans

“I don’t believe the government should force people to attend the concert of an aging, has-been musician whose best years are long behind him,” said the former Blues Breakers guitarist. “If that means I am playing to empty venues because nobody wants to attend the concert, so be it.”

Columbia University Introduces Prestigious Master’s in Starving Artistry (MSA) Program

“This is the perfect degree for young artists who wish, like great masters of the past, to explore their own creativity while being completely unrecognized in their own time,” said the school’s promotional material. “Our excessive debt burden will assure that you remain a struggling, bitter and destitute artist for the rest of your short, miserable life.”